5th & 6th grades
The "anxiety switch" turned on in my head when I was about 10. At that time I was dealing with a lot of changes, a lot of new things and a lot of stress. Those things combined with the lack of a supportive group of school friends made my brain think that everything was bad and dangerous.
But it wasn't until recently that things got really bad...
Throughout 5th and 6th grades I didn't even realise that something had changed, I just though it was stress so I kept on living my life thinking that everything was good.
After I had finished 6th grade I decided that I didn't want to be a part of a class where my only real friends were boys. That made me feel real frustrated because I was a really girly girl and I wanted to be friends with the girls in my class but I couldn't because I didn't trust them. I still talked to them, had lunch with them and hung out with them but I didn't consider them my friends. So I asked to change classes and I was put in a different one in 7th grade.
7th, 8th & 9th grades
At first I was really shy and scared because I didn't know most of the people - I knew a few but I wasn't close to them, at least not anymore. I had nothing to be scared of, all of the people I knew welcomed me like I was one of their own, they introduced me to the rest of the class and eventually I started making friends.
Those 3 years - 7th, 8th and 9th grades - were the best years of my life. I created special bonds with a lot of the people, the class was really close in general, we were like a family! So even though I was stressed about everything school related, I didn't experience the anxiety as I had what I was lacking on previous years: a close and supportive group of friends.
My first memorable anxiety episode
But I do remember one episode of anxiety which happened in 9th grade. I was doing an oral presentation in Portuguese class and I could not look at the people, I was shaking and I was reading everything instead of talking. That was the first episode of anxiety that I had that I can remember as it really marked me.
But apart from that everything else was marvelous!
10th grade
I lost my group of friends, my family when I went to a different school in 10th grade (the beginning of High School/Secondary School here in Portugal). But I was hoping to make new friends and build another family. I had high hopes...
My first day of school was the most terrifying thing ever. I didn't know anyone and so I was really anxious and scared. When I entered the classroom and started walking towards one of the tables the long strap of my bag got stuck on a chair and I panicked. Literally panicked... I grabbed the strap and I walked to my table...
I eventually made friends and at the beginning things were looking great, I thought I was building a new group of friends, a new family.
But in February or March everything fell apart. There were a few groups, people would be mean to each other - I'm being nice when saying people were mean to each other, there was a lot of sh*t going on - and there was no such thing as support. But by the end of the year there were only two groups. The big group was really supportive and everyone was friends with each other and I was really happy because I had found myself a new family. The other group was small, about 5 people were in it and at the end of the year they weren't even friends anymore. And then there were a couple of people all by themselves.
11th grade
But I actually become friends with 2 of the girls of that small group and when 11th grade started I hung out with them and we became very close. Then a new girl was in our class and me and my 2 friends became friends with her. The 4 of us became really close, I had another little supportive group of friends.
But then there was this one girl who joined the group and did so much sh*t to it that the group fell apart, so I had lost my friends. And because I wasn't really that close anymore with my group from 10th grade, I had no one to turn to and ask for help when my anxiety really kicked in...
My first panic attacks
It was in 11th grade that I had my first 2 panic attacks. Both were consequences of my anxious state of mind and my extreme stress due to oral presentations that I had to do. When I had the 2nd panic attack I stayed home that day, went to the doctor and then I stayed home for 2 more days. It was really awful...
Summer, 2013
After 11th grade was over I had to do my exams. And when that was over I went on holiday to relax. I went to Algarve for about a week... the environment was so chilled that I completely forgot that I had anxiety. I then remembered that because I got really scared at a water park. One of my cousins - he's not really my cousin but it almost feels like it because our families have known each other for a long time - went on a scary ride and I got really stress and scared because I was looking at him in that ride. I started shaking and felt really uncomfortable and I started panicking but it was not a full on panic attack because I tried to calm myself down by saying to myself that everything was gonna be alright and by giving my hand to my sister, who was the only one who knew, at that time, that I suffer from anxiety.
12th grade - Anxious on the first day
Summer went by and it was time to go back to school. The day the schedules and classes were out I went to the school with my mother. My cousin tooks us there because she has a car and we don't... We arrived there and my mum and cousin started chatting, for a long time. As the minutes went by I got more and more anxious because I was afraid that I'd be in a class that I didn't want to be in. When we finally went inside and saw the schedule and the class I panicked and started crying because I was in that one class where I didn't want to be due to a situation that had happened that summer (basically I wasn't friends anymore with 2 girls and I was afraid that they would get together and gang up/bully me). My mum immediately figured out a way to change me into another class.
School started a couple of days later and I was still in that class. I was so anxious, stress and scared that I had a hard time sleeping the night before and when I woke up I literally was feeling sick.
My mum had to take me to school to make sure I was alright... As we got closer and closer to the school I started shaking and when I got to my classroom and I saw the 2 girls I felt like I'd never felt before... I was sh*tting myself (not literally...).
I had to be in that class for 2 days and on the 3rd day of school I switched classes and I went to the one where a few of my friends were. I was so happy!
Anxiety during the rest of the year
During the rest of the year I didn't have a lot of anxious moments or panic attacks, just the usual ones due to either oral presentations or tests.
Random Occasions
All of the texts above are a summary of my anxiety experiences. But I do have more to tell you... Things like answering the phone, going to the supermarket alone or stepping out of a bus really scare me! The thought of people judging me whilst I'm doing things scares me, a lot! Having to talk to strangers at stores, cafes or anywhere else scares me... not as much anymore but it's still scary! Asking for things to people who aren't close to me makes me feel anxious, even if those people are from my family or they're my friends!
And that's my summary of the past 8 years. The past 2 years were the worst ones but it was during them that I made progress, specially this past year. There's a lot more to change, more progress to be made but the first few steps were important and I am really proud of myself!
I hope you enjoyed this post and it was somehow relatable. If you want to know what are some of the things that I do to progress make sure you watch my video. That's all for this post, come back next week for the 2nd episode of the series!
Take care and think positively!!
Love,
Carolina Rosalie ♥
